A Very Vermont Christmas - 2024

It was Hallmark Bingo time, and I had the unfortunate responsibility of choosing the torture for the evening.

A woman is trying to keep her father's bar alive, but the local Frosty's is making that hard. A rep from the big brand beer comes to town and shows off his beer-smelling abilities. The woman, Joy, decides an IPA will save the bar. Or something. Her ex is flat out evil. They didn't even give him a single redeeming quality.

This one was bad. I'm not sure it was worse than the last one, but the main characters were hard to watch. The woman was okay most of the time, she frowned weird. The guy was something else. He spoke like he was trying out for a Batman role, he smiled at strange times, and he had too many scarves. Also, why did Joy feel the need to show the man who is becoming an expert on beer how it's made? Doesn't he already know that?

The end of this one was majorly stupid. Joy decides the man she's "fallen in love with" is responsible for the betrayal instead of her sneaky weasel of an ex. Putting that aside, I almost expect a conflict like that at this point, the dumbest thing was the skiing. Joy makes this impassioned plea to get to the top of the mountain for the last ride down. She has to meet dude man up there. Why? What's stopping her from waiting for him at the bottom? "I have to get up there...I love him!!" What?! Just wait at the lodge...

Anyway, another week with no bingos. We got a little closer this time, but this was painful.

 

The Christmas Charade - 2024

It's getting to be that time of year again. That time when we gather together and spend some quality time watching Hallmark movies and playing bingo. The unfortunate side effect of this fun activity is all the movies blend together, and we can't remember which ones we've actually watched. The reviews for these are more to log that I've watched them than to make any real commentary on the movies themselves, but I will make comments. I just have to. Side note: One of our squares is 'dead parent.' Everyone who plays with us the first time is shocked by our enthusiasm when we can mark that one off. It's in a lot of them, though. Trust us! 

This is one of the new movies for 2024, and I have to say, I was a little shocked. The plot was so weird. If you hate the FBI or want to think of them as inept morons, this is the movie for you! The main guy is supposed to be FBI, but he's the worst. He's not stealthy, his tactical vest looks like he's about to go fly fishing, and he has a random woman ruin his plans and their only solution is to let the citizen help catch the criminal that's been stealing priceless artifacts. Also, let's just bask in the glory that is the plan. They're going to put a fake (made by an old lady in a few hours from a cell phone picture) in place of the real monstrosity that is a necklace. The FBI acts like they've never considered that before...ever.

This movie was so frustrating. The woman, I can't even remember her name, had the worst parents. At one point, we liked her dad, but then he was dumb. They're in New York at Christmas, and no one feels the need to wear a coat half the time. The 'snow' in the movie really bothered me for some reason as well. We have 'obvious fake snow' as a square, so we got that, but overall no one got a bingo and we hated this one. Sad use of the girl from Signed, Sealed, Delivered, but she was only in it briefly, so there's that. And one more thing: someone who's never tangoed before will NOT dance like that...just saying.

Mysterious Island - 1961

Needed some background noise today, so I put on a monster movie. Saw Herbert Lom and Ray Harryhausen in the credits and was excited. This is based on a Jules Verne book.

Some Union soldiers are prisoners during the Civil War. They escape in a hot air balloon with a Confederate soldier, and a storm takes them away. When they finally come back down to earth, they're on an island, and they're not anywhere near America.

What follows is the inhabitants trying to figure a way off the island. They're joined by a couple of women, and they seem to have a guardian angel. Getting off the island is going to be quite a chore, since there are random huge animals on the island.

Fortunately, the older snooty woman is good with a needle and thread. She's able to take goat skins and turn them into a skimpy outfit for her niece! That raised some questions. The woman was so straight-laced, it's hard to imagine her creating that outfit on purpose. Another thing - why didn't anyone get a sunburn?! And where did they go to the bathroom in the balloon? (I mean, the answer seems obvious, but it's just not practical when you witness the balance, or lack thereof, these men possess)

Some of these people were dumber than a box of rocks. If you've seen multiple unnaturally large animals, maybe don't follow the strange honey waterfall into the large cave. Also, this movie had a distinct lack of Harryhausen. I'm ignoring the birds at the beginning, they were awful, and the few Harryhausen things I did witness were just not enough. I was a fan of the bird, though. He was pretty cute.

There's a crossover here with one of Verne's other works, and I'm not going to spoil it. It had to do with Herbert Lom, and I kept wondering why I hadn't seen him in the movie yet.

I mourned the way Harryhausen and Lom were utilized in this film. I understand this was written at a time when science hadn't advanced to the point it is today, but even if I put that aside, some of the "inventions" were questionable. Maybe they stuck to the book (I have doubts  - I'll reserve them), but I just wasn't a fan. I think I'm going to go watch Clash of the Titans (1981) and The Pink Panther movies (Peter Sellers and my man Herbert Lom). They always cheer me up!

The Victors - 1963

When I'm not sure what to watch, I like to get on Tubi and scroll through the Leaving Soon category. Today, I found this movie and was intrigued by the description.

A group of U.S. soldiers go through the war together. The movie isn't focused on the war itself. It's more individual experiences. Mostly with women in places that have been cleared of the enemy. People react differently to what's happened to them, and this movie highlights the human collateral damage to war.

I was interested in this movie, but it was hard to watch at times. Most specifically, the dog scene. If you're a dog lover, just trust me, it's too sad. The women had a hard time of it, and I saw some extreme examples of it in this movie.

The film is based on a novel by Alexander Baron called The Human Kind. He based the series of stories on his real-life experiences. I was interested in the premise of the film, but I'm not sure the film delivered. I might try and read the book in the future. I did want to mention that I saw a bunch of familiar faces. My favorite one I recognized was George Peppard from Breakfast at Tiffany's. He had such a nice smile. I need to see what else he was in...

Anywho, the movie was okay. I don't think I would recommend it. It was such a roller coaster. I really liked a couple of the stories, especially the one with the sergeant checking out the house. But then I had to sit through the one with the dog, and the poor man who just wanted to find love. He found a couple of users and a stab wound instead. Sadness. The movie is going in the midrange category.

The Giant Claw - 1957

We'd just had the internet restored, and it had been a long day. The perfect recipe for a monster movie!

I didn't know squat about this thing. I just threw it on. Between the name and the year, I was guessing it would be at least slightly entertaining, but I'd been fooled before...

A dude is flying a plane when he sees a UFO. To us, they show a flying fuzz. He refers to it as a flying battleship, and everyone thinks he's nuts since it doesn't even show up on radar.

Eventually, we find out what it is - an alien bird. For some reason, the cover says it's prehistoric, but it's an alien. Trust me. Then for some reason, we get into matter and antimatter? Anyway, amazing effects and loads of death, and we end on probably the best death scene I've seen in quite a while.

The people in this movie really suck, though. They "save" the one pilot, but then he's just magically dead. And how did he get all bloody? And then poor Pierre. Why did they take him out with them? And then the couple were like, "Oh well, let's go over here and kiss." Blech.

Anyway, I love this thing. I don't know who's responsible for the travesty that's the wire-work puppet, but I love them. I love whoever did the effects. I really do. They made my day. Good Movie! (for a certain section of people - those who love old monster movies with questionable effects)

 

4D Man - 1959

I love to pick random movies off Tubi. I've been "fortunate" to find some real gems, but I've also found a lot of "what the heck did I just watch." I randomly picked this one, because it sounded awesome.

Tony is performing experiments after hours when he accidentally sets the building on fire. Now that he's out of a job, he decides to visit his brother, Scott. After the reunion, he steals Scott's girlfriend. Later on, she says she doesn't love him, but it's still pretty cruddy of Tony to go around kissing and falling in love with the woman his brother loves. I mean seriously, Linda asked Tony if he loved her the day after they met! Maybe it wasn't the day after, but it really looked like it.

Anyway, Tony's experiment is piercing a thick piece of metal with a pencil. They're sharing atoms or something, so it's 4D. Once Scott finds out about his brother's betrayal, he messes around with the equipment and gets his hand stuck in a piece of metal. Later, we find out he did it by sheer willpower, and the whole force field thing wasn't even necessary. Scott's brain is just wired to be 4D I guess.

Now, here's the interesting bit. Putting your hand through things, and eventually your whole body, apparently ages you. Who knew? How do you fix that? You touch someone when your "powers" are active and steal their lifeforce! Duh!

So, now Scott is a fugitive. He's murdering people left and right so he can keep walking though walls. He does get revenge on a couple people, but when he's on the run, he takes out some random people to recharge. The end was super weird. Betrayed by a woman? No way! But...did Scott survive? Was he behind the Cargonite? Do I care?

There's one part of this movie I haven't mentioned yet, and that's the music. It's what I would call aggressive jazz. I swear, it was so loud at times, it was hard to focus on what was happening in the film. Other times, it didn't seem to match the mood. 

Overall, I have to say this wasn't the worst way to spend an hour and a half. It took forever for Scott to go 4D, and I wasn't fond of anyone in the film, but it was goofy enough to amuse me. If it didn't have the distracting music, I could see myself throwing it on for background noise while I did other things. Decent Movie!

Pyro...The Thing Without a Face - 1964

I got some internet back, but only on my laptop, so I headed to Tubi to see what nonsense I could dig up. And here it is!

Vance is in Spain working on a reservoir. He's obsessed with Ferris wheels and uses them in his work somehow. I never really saw anything but his model. While house hunting, he comes across a woman, Laura, working on burning her own home for the insurance money. He convinces her to sell him the house, and they start having an affair.

Eventually, Vance starts to feel bad since he has a wife and kid at home. His wife knows, and Vance decides to cut off Laura. She isn't happy about it, but she does get Vance to admit that he'd marry her if his wife and daughter weren't in the way. Her solution: kill them in a fire! Her plans go awry when Vance decides he didn't like that he argued with his wife before he left and comes home to the house ablaze. He runs in and burns himself to a crisp. According to the doctor, parts of his body have carbonized due to the fourth-degree burns, and something happened to his brain. He's solved the very hard mystery of who started the fire. I don't know much about arson, but I think with the amount of crap Laura did to that house, it would be obvious it wasn't a gas tank explosion. Vance the great detective is now bent on revenge.

I went into this with absolutely no idea what it was about. I just saw the title and was on board. I didn't realize that almost the first half hour would feel like an episode of House Hunters. Vance was really focused on finding the right house.

The end is also ruined because they show what happened in the beginning. Also, I'm wondering how/when Vance had the resources to make his super accurate face mask thing. When he took it off, the effects were pretty good, so props to them for that. All those good feelings leave when you hear the music. It doesn't match 90% of the time.

Overall, they shouldn't have ruined the ending. This movie was okay to pass the time after the first half hour. It was hard to feel any sympathy for the man who was cheating and then got upset with his wife because she was upset, and this was the one time he was telling the truth. I'll stay on the fence with this one. It wasn't quite good enough to push it over the edge into a good review, but it wasn't terrible.

Phantom of the Opera - 1943

I was curious why this was on the list, but we were dedicated to seeing what the movie had in store for us. I've read the book and watched the silent movie, among other things Phantom related. The book is my favorite thus far, probably followed by the stage show. 

This is one of those times where the writers took good source material and butchered it beyond recognition. From what I read, people were giving it fairly decent reviews, but I'm not sure if they were watching the same thing I was.

The music: This is opera heavy, but it wasn't what I expected. I also didn't recognize the operas. I don't know much about opera, but I didn't know there was an opera about the Revolutionary War, a Jane Austen opera, or one about Genghis Khan. These musical sequences would go on for an extended period of time. Wasn't expecting that. 

Raoul: So this character is a detective in the police department. We don't get background on his initial connection to Christine (were they childhood friends as in other versions?). He's trying to compete with a singer for Christine's heart, but he's also having to solve a murder. More on that later.

Christine: I wasn't shocked she was dumber than a box of rocks. She didn't recognize the Phantom's voice when he was trying to pull her into the sewer. She was leading on both the detective and the baritone, and it felt like she had one from each generation after her. At the end, she was a poop to both the men. At least she didn't faint. She probably didn't want to get dirty.

The Phantom: In a weird twist, the phantom is created by a woman throwing acid on him after he murders some guy. He thinks the man has stolen his concerto, but he doesn't know the whole story. While he's running, he finds a grate and lowers himself into the sewers. Then he splashes sewer water on his burned face. Eww by the way. He just pops up and murders the Carlotta character and her maid, and then he kills some undercover policeman to grab his cloak. He walks around the stage then makes his way up to the chandelier and spends an hour working on the large chains with a fragile-looking hacksaw. He actually didn't look that bad. The way he was obsessed with Christine was pretty uncomfortable.

The catacombs: Wow, these things are in really bad shape. There's a whole opera house on top of them, but when Raoul shoots one bullet into the ceiling, the whole thing comes down. And why did baritone man move his arm? 

The tone: In every other version of Phantom, the tone was very clear. It was a somber tale of love and regret. But for some reason, this one decided to go the goofy humor route. The love square was so weird. Why did they add the baritone dude as a love interest? Just so he could sing all the time? I didn't get it. It was like they wanted someone Christine's age, her father's age (I'm being a little unfair on that one), and then the Phantom was more her grandfather's age. The colors were bright and didn't match the murders. Every once in a while, they would have a little moment of humor, and it was just confusing.

A sequel?!: When I read they had originally planned a sequel, I was floored. What in the world made people like this? Was it because it looked good in color? I mean, it did, but still. Also, the fact it didn't happen due to Claude Rains's schedule was probably a blessing.

As you can tell, this thing isn't getting a good anything review. I refuse to even call him by the hallowed name O.G (explained in book review). We actually checked how much time was left twice, and we were disappointed both times. We did try to hit some high notes with the music, but it was mostly to amuse ourselves. It was so bad, Mom thought I just made her watch it. She didn't believe it was on the list. To be honest, neither do I. Since I liked the original story so much, it was tough to see it treated this way. This movie totally missed the whole point of the story, and it hurt to watch.

Captive Wild Woman - 1943

Next up in our Universal list was this...movie.

John Carradine is a doctor who is planning to use the ape from Whipple's Circus to experiment on. He plans on using the "glands" of his nurse (and apparently part of her brain) to make the ape more human. Surprisingly the change is instantaneous, and enter Paula! She has a mystical power over the lions and tigers at the circus, so she helps Fred with his act. One day she gets angry and turns back into an ape.

Ok, so the lions and tigers were a bit much. They credited Clyde Beatty for the animal sequences, and you could tell the footage was from somewhere else. And for this movie being an hour, it felt long. They spent so much time harassing those animals, I was rooting for them to eat someone. They would also shoot blanks at them to keep them in line. It was frustrating. 

At the end, it looked like a bunch of the cats escaped. Fred was more interested in popping back into the ring and dealing with one lion. And they never resolved that, so there's probably big cats all over the place now. Also, see how the poster shows the ape kidnapping a girl? LIES! She kidnaps Fred! And then - THEN! while she was trudging off with Fred thrown over her shoulder, they shot her in the butt, and she died. The End! It was so abrupt. Did the one woman tell the others how Paula and Cheela were the same? Did they believe her? Did anyone want to question why the doctor had an elevator behind his wall? So many unanswered questions, but of well. Let's do a strange outro about messing with nature. So confusing and weird.

The Picture of Dorian Gray - 1973

In April, I watched the 1945 version of this movie. It made me want to read the book again, which I did in May. Both experiences were positive, but this particular version caught my eye because of one person: Shane Briant. This man is in one of our favorite types of movies. He's in one of the weirdest Barbara Cartland adaptations, The Flame is Love.

The story in this movie is basically the same as the others. There's no reason to rehash it, so I'll focus on what I liked. Shane was pretty good in this, better than Flame. This particular adaptation, while not being entirely explicit, gave more of an impression of Dorian's vices. Other than that, I don't remember the other version having so much inner dialogue. Of the two, I think I prefer the one from 1945.

That being said, this felt like a made-for TV movie, but it was still a good watch. The portraits were better in the 1945 version, but I'm still giving this a Good Movie! review.

The Leftovers (2014) and The Wire (2002) - first impressions

Our internet was out, so I decided to try and go through some of my backlog of things to watch. I wanted to see if some of the shows I had waiting were up my alley. These reviews are based on the first episodes and are mostly for my reference.

The Leftovers - confusing start. I'm not sure where I heard about this. People disappear, and three years later, there are no answers. It's not a Biblical thing since "bad" people and innocents are taken as well. There's a weird cult of people that don't talk, but they chain smoke and want others to stop wasting their breath. To top that off, animals are getting murdered. By people and packs of dogs...then by people. This show was depressing me, so I'm going to pass on it.

The Wire - I heard someone mention somewhere this was a good show. It was a while ago, so I'm not sure exactly what put it on the list. It starts out with a murderer escaping justice. The judge wants to talk to a detective that was sitting in the courtroom watching the witnesses being intimidated. After that, a plan is set in motion to take the criminal's empire apart. I personally wasn't super interested in this one. I think the main character had something to do with it. He wasn't very likeable, which made him hard to watch. I did enjoy seeing Idris Elba, but I didn't see him enough to make continuing with the series worthwhile for me. It seemed like a decent show, I just couldn't connect with any of the characters enough to care about them.

 

Forgotten Heroes: The Robert Hartsock Story - 2019

Scrolling through Tubi's Leaving Soon! list, I saw this. I'm not normally a documentary person, and I definitely steer clear of stories regarding working dogs during the Vietnam War. But this one caught my eye as it was the story of the only dog handler to receive the Medal of Honor.

Through eyewitness accounts of friends and family, the life of Hartsock comes to life. Letters he'd written to his sister and his parents are revealed of his experiences and his bond with his partner, Duke. A lot of the documentary is the journey to the moment of Hartsock's death. 

Duke's fate was heartbreaking, and I did cry. And just to clarify, he died of a broken heart basically. He wasn't one of the dogs that were left behind or euthanized when his usefulness was done.

Hartsock was a true hero. His exemplary actions saved men and dogs. And while Duke wasn't with him at the time, I'm sure their bond was never really broken. I hope more people will hear about Robert Hartsock and the sacrifice he made. The documentary was well done, and I'm glad I decided to watch it. It was never boring, and that's a pretty big compliment from me - Good Watch!

 

Infra-Man - 1975

This movie is also listed as The Super Infra-Man, but I refuse to give him the extra adjective. It's a contender for our cinematic universe.

This one starts off strong. Some school children are singing about picking up a fallen bird when BAM! A dragon lands on the road, the bus goes over a cliff (the kids jumped out, but RIP bus driver), a whole city burns, and then we're at a research facility.

Generic Colonel Sanders (my daughter noticed the similarity, and now I can't unsee it) learns about Mount Devil and the dragon Princess living inside with her whip. She sends her "monsters" to attack the Professor, but they get distracted. They're also supposed to be taking over the world, but the Professor is top priority. In a bit. The plant guy is busy attacking the research building.

To combat these new threats, the Professor turns one of his assistants into Infra-Man. Or a highly agile bug. What follows is a mess of stuff. It would take me way too long to go through everything.

Lung needed to be the hero. He had the moves, while Reima went around un-Infra-Man'd too long. I also don't know why he decided to fly every time he transformed. He was next to the things he was fighting. The end was super crazy. Actually the whole thing was nuts, and I loved it. The extremely foul-mouthed children had us questioning the subtitles, but I totally want to watch this again. Infra-Man, but more so Lung, has easily earned his way into our cinematic universe. Fun Movie!